Tantrums are a universal part of childhood, but they often catch caregivers off guard. One moment, your child is fine, and the next, they’re melting down in the cereal aisle. It’s easy to feel frustrated or helpless in these moments, but tantrums aren’t random—they’re driven by a combination of brain development, emotional regulation skills, and environmental triggers. Understanding what’s going on under the surface can help you respond in ways that support your child’s growth and protect your own sanity.
At CASE Psychology, they often remind families that tantrums are a normal—albeit noisy—part of growing up. They’re not a sign that something is wrong with your child or your parenting. In fact, they’re often a sign that your child’s brain is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do: learning how to handle big feelings in a world that can be overwhelming.
What’s Going on in That Brain of Theirs?
A study published in the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics found that daily tantrums occur in approximately 10.1% to 11.9% of 1- and 2-year-olds, but this decreases to about 2.4% to 5.1% in children aged 3 to 5 years.
From a developmental perspective, tantrums make sense. Young children rely heavily on the lower parts of the brain—the areas responsible for survival responses like fight, flight, or freeze. These regions activate quickly when a child feels threatened, frustrated, or overstimulated. What they don’t have yet is a fully developed prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in reasoning, planning, and impulse control. That part is still under construction well into adolescence. So when a toddler or preschooler starts to unravel, it’s not because they’re trying to be difficult. It’s because the part of their brain that helps them cope isn’t online yet.
Stress, hunger, fatigue, changes in routine, and difficulty expressing needs can all increase the likelihood of a tantrum. But it’s also about limits. Kids are constantly bumping up against rules, transitions, or expectations they can’t meet. They want independence, but they still need help. That conflict between wanting control and still being dependent is a perfect storm for emotional outbursts.
So, What Actually Helps?
The short answer is: regulation before reasoning. When a child is mid-tantrum, they’re in a reactive state. Trying to explain, negotiate, or discipline in that moment usually backfires.
Why Logic Doesn’t Work in the Middle of a Tantrum
It’s tempting to talk a child out of a tantrum using logic. You might find yourself saying, “You just had a cookie,” or “Crying won’t help.” But the problem is, once a child is in full meltdown mode, their brain isn’t equipped to process rational explanations. Their limbic system—the emotional center—is in charge, and the thinking brain is more or less offline.
Trying to reason with them during this time can make them feel more misunderstood or even escalate the outburst. What they need most in that moment is co-regulation: a calm adult who can help them ride the wave safely. That might mean sitting quietly nearby, validating their feelings, or helping them breathe through it. Save the teaching moment for later. Once they’ve returned to a regulated state, that’s when their brain is open to connection, learning, and conversation.
Once they’re calm, then you can talk. Use simple, validating language to help them name what they were feeling. “You were really mad when it was time to leave the park.” This helps build emotional awareness, a key building block of emotional regulation. Over time, repeated moments like this actually shape how their brain responds to stress.
How to Stay Regulated When Your Kid Isn’t
Even the most patient adult can feel overwhelmed when a tantrum hits. Your child may be screaming, kicking, or saying hurtful things, and your nervous system is going to react. The first step is noticing your own state. Are you clenching your jaw? Holding your breath? Fighting the urge to yell? That awareness gives you a moment of choice.
Do something grounding: take a few deep breaths, relax your shoulders, or remind yourself, This is hard, but it will pass. In those intense moments, your own regulation becomes the most powerful tool in the room. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, in toddlers aged 18 months to 3 years, temper tantrums typically last anywhere from two to 15 minutes. But remember, you’re not just managing the situation—you’re modelling what it looks like to stay steady in the face of stress.
That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. Kids benefit from seeing how adults recover, too. If you lose your cool, a simple repair later on (“I was feeling overwhelmed, and I’m sorry I raised my voice”) teaches just as much as getting it right the first time.
Track Tantrums Over Time
It’s also worth paying attention to patterns. Are tantrums always happening at a certain time of day? In specific environments? With certain transitions? Preventive strategies like offering choices, giving advance notice, and maintaining predictable routines can reduce the frequency of outbursts. And don’t underestimate the power of snacks and naps; sometimes the best tantrum fix is just a granola bar and some rest.
For older kids, teaching self-regulation strategies becomes more important. Things like deep breathing, taking space, or using a feelings chart give them tools to manage big emotions without shutting down or lashing out. And as they grow, so does their capacity to reflect and recover—skills that serve them well into adulthood.
What Grows Out of Tantrums
It’s hard to see progress in the middle of a tough season, but tantrums are part of how emotional skills get built. Every time your child moves through an intense feeling with your support, they’re wiring their brain for resilience. Over time, you may notice they calm down a little faster, or that they can name their feelings with more clarity. Maybe they still fall apart, but now they ask for a hug instead of throwing something.
These are signs of emotional growth—and they’re easy to miss if you’re only clocking whether the tantrums stop. The goal isn’t zero meltdowns. The goal is to help your child learn what their feelings are, how to move through them safely, and how to come back to connection.
Tantrums are messy, yes—but they’re also full of data. And with enough support, your child is learning how to handle life’s emotional storms, one outburst at a time.
Ending on a Positive
Tantrums aren’t fun, but they are meaningful. They’re part of how kids learn to manage frustration, disappointment, and overstimulation. And while they can test your patience, they’re also an opportunity to model the kind of steady, supportive presence that builds resilience. With time, consistency, and a little perspective, those noisy moments become less about disruption and more about connection.
